Listen to me
by hellotohangup
Summary: Faith returns to apologise, finally posted the rest of it, enjoy.
1. Part 1

Rating: G Disclaimer: I don't own them, Joss and all the brilliant minds over on the set do. Spoilers: None really, it's set in season 7. Song lyrics: One word - Velocity Girl Authors note: Written in Buffy's POV  
  
Listen to me  
  
Listen to my story, will you let me speak, there is no epic glory, I just wanna say my piece, don't turn away, you'll never know what i say, you've got it backward, listen, listen to me. One word for every revelation, talk fast you won't remember anything, one word for all the resignation I'm not strong enough to say out loud, try to spit it out it's burning you up inside, just say it one word at a time.  
  
Being friends with her was like regressing back into an old bad habit. It was so easy, so easy that it felt like it was wrong. So this time I was cautious. I steal glances at her and I think; this is someone who can hurt me, someone who I let close and trouble is never far behind. I think to myself; don't even look at her, don't let her see even for a second how much you want to be her friend, because she's fire and she'll burn you. But it was too late, I had already invited her into my house and just now i stand in the hallway steeling myself for what she is about to say, waiting for some explanation as to why she is here. Even looking at her I secretly crave her friendship; I feel a twinge of regret for the part i played in her downward spiral. Amongst the hurt that she caused me I feel a connected ness toward her. She is the best friend you wish you had, the familiar contentment that you get when you are overtired and think about having a great sleep and what that would feel like. But sleep always threatens to come at the wrong time and friendship is never as easy to maintain as you would like. Sometimes you are smart to be wary and I am very wary of her this time around. So I don't easily let people in. How can I afford to make a mistake of letting the wrong people in? Mistakes cost lives and it's my duty to make sure that mistakes don't happen, that lives are not lost. And i let her make so many mistakes the first time around. I let myself care too much and she tore everything I worked toward down, ruined everything I cared about. And it was more than just one time. Ugghhh ok, so it wasn't all her fault and i have to take my share of the blame, but can I risk it? Am I ready to really let her back in my life? Am I ready to share the slaying and am I ready to share my life? Can I give to her my friendship unconditionally? And is that what she wants? How can something feel both so wrong and so right at the same time? Too late she's left again, something about coming back later on. Should have been listening, this is where I stuffed up all the other times; I didn't know how to listen.  
  
Damn, better go and chase her, but it's getting early and I have to get some sleep before the day breaks. Need to be able to focus at work, already had a hard night slaying, hope she'll be alright till the sun goes down again and I can go find her, somewhere else, somewhere away from prying eyes and those that sleep upstairs. Time for sleep again and then later we will have that talk that has been a long, long time coming. The talk about when everything went so wrong and if we want to even try to fix it. 


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: See part one. 

_Faith's POV_

It's raining and I am sitting in the muddy graveyard, my back against a cold headstone, in full view of any beast that may want to attack me, or any vamps stupid enough to think they could take me. I am freezing cold, the mud seems to have seeped into all my clothes, the rain doesn't seem to wanna cease and I am very upset. No scratch that I am seething mad. Which is just great I think huffily, rubbing my head trying to get this headache to go away and trying to shut out the cold and figure out why I didn't plan to come earlier, find a motel to stay in.   
In the space of just two hours I have gone from nervous wreck to nearly friggin crying and now, on top of that I am just really, really angry, which I can tell you is the last thing I wanted to be, because this anger, it's kinda hard to suppress and I am still at a bit of a loss as to how to deal properly, well, without pummelling the hell outta some vamp that is. Not so long outta jail, pretty much thinking that taking it out on a vamp sounds like a good plan, but losing control, letting loose, not such a brilliant idea.  
See I gather up all the courage I can muster and I make my way over there hoping against hopes that she's at least hear me out. And my breath is hitching in my throat and I feel like I have dead weight on my chest, it's hard to breath and my stomach's churning. I feel really sick.   
So anyways, she lets me in and we walk into the hall and I start trying to talk to her, which believe my is an accomplishment all on it's own, because from the moment I stepped in the house I seem to have lost my voice. She's been asleep, probably not long though, probably been out slaying and just bedded down. I wanted to leave it, talk to her later but I was afraid, afraid of facing everyone.   
I figured if I could face up to her, I could face anyone. That if I could win her trust again, or even get her to talk that I would get a better go at apologising to the others later on. I figure they might be asleep upstairs, I got kinda clued in before I came. I don't wanna wake them, hell I guess it's just as well I didn't piff something harder at her window or I might have woken everybody up.   
Thing is we are still standing in the hall and she isn't listening to a word I am saying, I mean I expected trouble but it's like she isn't even interested. She can't even be bothered listening. And here's me trying to rattle off some kind of ill prepared speech and here's her off in a world of her own staring at me but I don't think she's really even looking. So I am fidgeting, not knowing what to do and looking around the room trying to stop my brain from shutting down completely and it's been at least 10 minutes since she let me in the door and still no response from her at all. Well I can't handle this; this wasn't supposed to happen at all. There was supposed to be me trying to reason with her and us throwing down or her kicking me out, but I wasn't expecting to be standing right here and have her ignore me. And to top it off I have totally worked myself up into an emotional state and I think if I stand here in silence any longer I am going to start crying or something. So I mumble something about doing this later, I mean it's nearly dawn and I am absolutely ready to write this off as a failed attempt and go. Because right now, I want to be anywhere but here. And with that thought I am out the door, not even mustering the energy or the nerve to look back at Buffy Summers.   
Next thing I know I must have walked here and at some stage it has started raining and I realise that I am sitting in a big pile of water and mudd and I am cold and I can't seem to care because I am too upset that I didn't get what I expected and I didn't know how to handle myself. What was I thinking? Three years of atonement and I can waltz back in? Why on earth did I come here, to fulfil my duty as the slayer? "hahhhhh!" I let out a manic laugh and slump down further against the grave. Welcome back to sunny hell Faith. 


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: See part one. 

_Faith's POV _

Do you ever get the feeling that by dressing like you used to you are regressing back into your past? Like if I put on the exact makeup I used to wear and dress the same, somehow the attitude will follow? People will look and assume that I am the exact person I was before?  
And I will be. It won't be a slow change, I just put on the clothes and the badass is back. Cause right now I am putting on the last touches of dark eye makeup and smoothing down a tight top and leather pants and I am thinking that exact thought.  
I mean we want to change, change is good. And we adjust ourselves and we dress differently and we talk differently, but the person we were before, are they gone? We adapt but do we change for real? Do we grow? Or are our former selves always there, inside of us waiting, like an old book you don't read anymore sitting on the shelf or an old toy that you grew out of playing with?  
Can we change, or are we just denying some true aspect of our nature, pushing it down and stuffing it in the back of the closet, pretending it doesn't exist?

Just as I put on the finishing touches of my makeup I hear someone burst through the door. No prizes for guessing who it is. Immediately she sees me and her eyes narrow, staring accusingly at me. Am I ready for this?  
"Why are you dressed like that?" Hmmm ok, wasn't expecting that one...I reply to her snarkily without thinking, the words rolling out of my mouth before I have time to process what I am saying.  
"You've come here to tell me that my clothes aren't respectable enough?" I say. "Well you can just up and leave again because I don't need it. I thought you might have come to your senses and be ready for a real conversation." Opps I guess that wasn't the best thing to say, this is going all wrong, but I feel powerless to stop it, like it was going to play out this way regardless of what I did.   
"ME... if anything you are the one that can't have a real conversation, every time it got too hard you up and left and if last nights performance is anything to go by we are in for a repeat performance. You go and we are left as damage control. Heres a tip: wanna impress a girl don't dress like a your former psychotic self!"   
SHIT! I guess I am not the only one who is pissed off, I shouldn't really be expecting anything else, I guess arguing is better than silence, so I keep the banter going, seeing where it will lead me.

"Not that you would care but I didn't exactly have an abundance of clothes or money for that matter, it's pretty much this or nothing and I ain't exactly gonna pour out my heart to someone who can't even listen to what I have to say."  
"What are you talking about?" she asks. She's looking exasperated, standing there, hands on her hips and eyebrows raised awaiting my reply.   
Yeah like you don't know what I am talking about I think sarcastically.  
"Last night, you weren't even listening to a word I said", I snap back.  
She frowns even harder, then a look of recognition crosses her face, and then comes a slightly more apologetic look. "Look I was tired, you woke me up and I didn't exactly get any warning, it was a shock, I was in shock, maybe we should start this over." Hmm there are some words i have been hoping to hear for a very long time...  
It's now or never Faith i think to myself and sigh. 


	4. Part 4

Dislaimer: See part one, song lyrics used.. Traffic by B*tch and Animal (sorry for the editing i think i labelled this fic PG)

_Buffy's POV_

Feel like I've been run over in traffic, scratching in the dust as someone's leaving, punches in the gut, ohh look I'm bleeding, not for you, for me this time. All we have are our love and our guts baby; they're all over the road. 

"B, I...."  
She takes my hand with both of hers looking down at my fingers and she speaks but I don't think she has realised what she is doing. It's as if the contact will make sure that I find it impossible to ignore what she has to say.   
I don't know what to do so I just stand there waiting to see what will happen, what she has to say.  
"I'm ... I came here.. I needed to fight, to help. But I can't do this, I mean I need to know where we stand, I can't be here if I'm unwelcome again. No matter what it feels or looks like, this can't be the same as before." She's unconsciously playing with my fingers, like she's nervous and she's picked up my hand in the absence of something else to fiddle with while she talks, entwining my fingers with her own then untangling them and starting all over again. It's unnerving and I want to pull my hand away. It takes a moment for her to realise what she is doing and she carefully lets go of my hand.  
She's not tough girl Faith; she's clumsy like a child. But it's kinda making me mad, i don't want her back here acting like a child. No one seems to get that all this responsibility always lands in my lap, they can run away or go off the edge but good little Buffy has to always keep her cool and do the right thing, even though it could mean losing everything. Having friends I think to myself, it keeps me alive and it kills me. Am I supposed to have friends or aren't I? This is all too hard of late.  
So I decide it doesn't matter what the right thing to do is, I'm going to be totally honest and if she runs again well so be it, I really need to be looking out for me and I need to be thinking about my job as the slayer, what I don't need to worrying about is what everyone expects from me and fitting the criteria for the person they think I should be. I just tell her straight out.

"Stop." And she does, she quickly shuts her mouth and waits for me to continue.  
"You don't get to say that, you don't get to say sorry, you don't get to say you care about me, you gave up all your privileges where I am concerned a long time ago. You don't get to come back into my life and turn everything on it's head and you don't get to look at me like I am supposed to be ok with this all. The hurt I feel is beyond the telling and your forever going to be a part of that. No matter what I want to feel toward you, no matter what glimmers of compassion I feel for you, everything comes back to what you did and I feel sick all over again. I want to see you as the person you were before or the person you are now, but every time I think of you my mind play everything over and over like a record stuck in a groove and the vision I am stuck with is not a nice one.   
Everything's screwed up, I didn't ask for it to be this way, *I* didn't ask to be this way. I didn't ask to be the judge, the jury and the executioner, and I don't know what else to say to you, what I am *supposed* to say to you. I don't know how to help you."

There, I said it. It wasn't the long confrontation I had imagined having but it was something, it was a start. I don't know what I expected her to say, nothing really. I just stood there while she took it all in. Next thing I know she is walking towards me, closing the distance between us in a few paces, sadness written all over her face. But she doesn't say a thing; she just encompasses me in her arms, not letting go even as I stiffen in shock. It's an odd gesture and it's an odd response to my seemingly harsh words spoken seconds before.  
This isn't supposed to be happening, I resent her and I just tried to push her away, because I don't know how to help her, I can't help her, I have nothing more to give.  
She's not supposed to be hugging me, comforting me. I don't need it. I can't help her; I don't know how to help anymore. I'm ok with that; I'm not the one falling apart here.   
I keep telling myself this as over and over as I find that I am clinging to her, tightening the hug. I take in a shuddering breath as the shocking realisation hits me, if I'm perfectly ok, If I don't need rescuing then why am I standing here balling my eyes out in the arms of the one person I thought I hated the most in all the world. 


	5. Part 5 last Chapter

Disclaimer: See part one, song lyrics: She looks at me by That Dog.  
Note: What can i say, i am going stir crazy because Faith hasn't been on the show in forever, so i am passing the time writing reunion fics :) This is pretty much the last part of this little fic, i don't have a beta reader, so i hope my sentence structure hasn't been too horrendous, let me know what y'all think.

_Faith POV_

She looks at me ohhh so pretty, touching me with her smiling white teeth , she's showing me the place where everythings hurt and sad, she's showing me the place, which is underneath my bed.

There's change coming. I can smell it in the air. I'm holding her because she's scared, she doesn't even know it.  
Deep down she knows that I might have changed, but she doesn't want to think about it, she wants to pretend like I'm the same as before. It's easier that way for her, because she doesn't have to think, she just reacts, reacts the same way as last time. 'Cept this time it doesn't work, this time is different. I have changed. Sometimes you gotta stop waiting for everyone to ask the questions, sometimes you gotta give them the answers, because they might not even know what to ask or how. You need to make it easy for them. By helping them, you help yourself. If you are lucky they will help you too.  
She doesn't know why she's upset, she just is. But I feel it, something's coming. A deep-seated dread has made it into the pit of my stomach and it's getting stronger. No one's doing anything, they are all focused on other things, but this time I'm ready, when it comes I'll dive in sword held high and she'll be strong by my side. She's a warrior, just like me. Right now it feels like I'm spinning on a merry-go-round that keeps getting faster and faster, I feel a giddy dizziness, but I have a new found clarity. Whatever it is I can feel it building. This is the calm before the storm; whatever is coming will be like nothing we have ever faced before. There's a slight breeze in the room and the air is electric. It's the winds of change I'm feeling and it terrifies me. But, she was wrong, I have changed, this time, there's no running. There's no running I repeat in my head and I hold her, because no one else does and I think to myself maybe they should. See i worked out where I belong. By saving her you save yourself, or she saves you. Anyways all i know is when the battle comes you'll want to be her friend. I know because I've experienced battles before and the alternate... not being on her side, it's not something I ever want to experience again. 

_Buffy POV_

What the hell is wrong with me, why am I crying so hard.  
She's whispering to me. "You don't always have to be the strong one Buffy Summers."   
"You don't have to pretend that we're ok, that you're ok. I don't mind if you're all messed up, you don't have to have all the answers. You think everyone's screwed up and they are, but not forever. Not forever B. Things have a habit of coming to the surface, eventually there won't be so many secrets, better to have things out at the start, that way the hurt comes all in one hit... but eventually everyone's secrets, everyone's fears they are all going to come out. When that happens, you don't have to be strong or hard or sickly accommodating or anything like that. All you have to be is yourself and you have to be honest. All you can do is your best, in the end it's not going to matter who's keeping score, because you'll still be you. All that matter's is that you are still alive and fighting the good fight." 

She stops talking. She doesn't expect a reply. She doesn't care what I think of her, this isn't about her. I suddenly realise that this is possibly the longest conversation I have ever had with her, probably because I'm not talking, not interrupting. Was she always like this?   
People think she's dumb. They think she's so dumb, because she never finished school, because of the things she says and the things she did, but I know otherwise. She may play dumb, but she's really smart. They just see what they want to see. I know this because that is what I used to think of her also. But she's quickly changing my mind; perhaps I have been the dumb in not giving her another chance all along. 


End file.
